Episode 30 BOFH 2001: Episode 30 Yes! It's time for the Bastard Trivia Quiz!
Test your skill! Place your bets! Answers at the bottom!
E. To lunch
A. You may have to look at chunkier routers
B. There may be some network card error
C. There may be some network monitoring error
D. Someone's found the MP3 stash!
E. They're leaving you out of Unreal Tournament just because they don't like fighting an invisible, invincible opponent with The Redeemer. The wimps!
A. 127 Volts
B. 0 Volts
C. 24 Volts
D. 1 Amp
E. "AGHH AAAGHH! I'll tell you what you want to know!"
A. Laughs loudest
B. Laughs longest
C. Is a prat
D. Annoys the hell out of everyone
E. Hasn't seen the cattleprod
A. Nothing - there is no substitute!
B. A screwdriver
C. A car key
D. Some pliers
E. Banging on the motherboard with the back of your hand till the chip falls out
A. A small fraction above it's rated speed
B. 10 per cent faster than it's rated speed
C. 18.5 per cent above it's rated speed
D. 70 per cent above rated, with a freon cooling and a death wish
E. 100 per cent, even more if it's not your box
Are you an old bastard?
A. The Clothes Dryer
B. A washing machine with an imbalanced load
C. A flat tyre on your car
D. A tape safe door shutting repeatedly on an annoying user's foot
E. An imbalanced DEC RM05 Disk assembly moving around the computer room by itself during a head crash
A. A very careful removal process
B. A powersupply failure
C. A nasty >crack< noise
D. Power outage to the computer room?
E. Looting of the shops in the two adjacent streets after the local transformer trips out
A. Clean the read heads, which probably are dirty
B. Have the tape sent to a commercial data recovery centre
C. A, then reduce the temperature of the computer room, and try to complete the read
D. Report the failure to the user
E. Just cut and repeatedly paste data from the beginning of the data file until the file's up to size
A. Not being locked into the drive spindle tightly
B. Not being able to be removed from the drive spindle after use
C. Disk damage if the cover lock unlatched itself during use
D. Dirty read heads
E. A preventative maintenance by the Engineer
A. A 'Tune' to play
B. A Small vibration
C. A Large vibration
D. A very large vibration
E. The disk rack to run in 'horizontal' mode
A. Call a Computer Museum and get them read
B. Write a quick program to interface to a scanner and read them
C. Give the user the Punch card hole code info so they could type them in
D. Throw them in the bin and tell the user that they've been demagnetised
E. Throw them at the user from a fourth-floor window
Are you an expensive Bastard?
A. Add up the cost of all the expected projects and maintenance for the year to come and put that figure forward
B. Use last year's figure and add five per cent
C. Use the last year's figure as well as the previous year to discern a trend, and ask for that
D. Look at the performance bonus of the board members for an indication of potential
E. Multiply last year's budget by two after anonymously sending those photos from the Beancounter's photocopy room after the Christmas Bash
A. Your total cost of ownership, taking into account purchase price, maintenance, expected lifetime and possible rental options, will be less
B. The TCO will probably not be affected, once you take training, early termination of previous contract and installation fees into account
C. He's on commission and things have been lean this year
D. He's a lying bastard
E. C, D and you can probably screw a few lunches out of him before you say no
A. They're trying to be competitive
B. A, and they're looking for extra business
C. They've found a subcontractor who will work for shiny beads and offal
D. They're scared of going into receivership after that anonymous letter to the Tax Dept
E. A, C, D, and they re-added those three extra pieces of equipment you cancelled maintenance on earlier in the year (due to an "administrative error")
There is no key. There is never a key! You don't need one. Not if you're the real McCoy! Not if you can clockchip your car computer to get an extra two miles an hour out of the old Rustang before it drops it's driveshaft after the excess vibration. Not if you remember the heady days of a card punch machine that was so loud it had the pensioners down the road digging trenches and sorting out their meat rations.
NOT if your annual budget is so large your beancounter's calculator runs out of zeros typing it in...
Anyone else is obviously an imposter. ®