BOFH 2000: Episode 17
"You're LOSING IT!" The PFY cries, in a manner that could be construed only as unkind.
"I think you’re..." I respond, defensively, being cut off mid sentence by the PFY's next outburst.
"YOU ARE! Look, you're even filling in Job Sheets! 'Reset user's password'. Helped a user with a Microsoft Office install'."
"Just noting work done to aid the service process."
"You HATE job forms - You used to steal them from the helpdesk just to prevent them getting work bonuses! You said it was Virtual Brownnosing."
"I said it was VIRTUALLY Brownnosing. Virtual Brownnosing's where you get one of those greeting card places to send your boss a birthday card every year. In any case, that's a very negative point of view."
The PFY's next diatribe is pre-empted by the rapid arrival of The Boss.
"Just wanted to thank you for the help with my home machine; it's running much faster now!"
. . .
"You helped THE BOSS, with a HOME machine!!? You HAVE lost it! It's not going to affect next week's Contract Renegotiation any!"
"Contract Renegotiation? I have transcended the need for wealth and power by donating my savings to the Mahariji's trust and don't feel the need to encourage favour with my superiors."
SUPERIOR!!! You've gone SOFT!" the PFY cries disgustedly. "I KNEW something was up when you let that Security Guy get the better of you. The OLD Bastard would never have let that happen!"
"The OLD Bastard was a relic. Not at all in tune with his aura."
"Yes, the mantra of his personal consciousness."
"Personal Consciousness?! It's that Engineer, isn't it! She's got you wrapped around her finger!"
"I have to admit that our relationship was sweet, but the Mahariji showed me that it was simply a manifestation of my own deep-seated needs. The relationship ended and I am a fuller person now because of it."
"You're a fuller Nutter now!"
"I'm sure the OLD Bastard would have responded to that statement with negativity - probably manufacturing some cataclysmic sequence of events for which you would be blamed... But I will not. The Mahariji has shown me that helping others is the only path to true aura maintenance."
Nutter!" the PFY repeats.
"The Mahariji says that namecalling is a manifestation of sadness. The Shiny Aura is rewarded by happiness."
"Fifty quid says I'll be the happier person at the end of the day."
"A wager? I do not need money!"
"One hundred quid!" he cries.
"I don't rea.."
"FIVE HUNDRED QUID!"
"Please stop!", I cry. "This is unseemly! I will take your wager on the condition that you pay my winnings - if it happens - to the Mahariji!"
The deal is struck once my assistant has added a side wager that the loser has to buy the entire IT department drinks on Friday night - AND listen to their complaints about service. Not something that even an enlightened individual would look forward to..
We've barely shaken on it when we're summoned to The Boss's office - no doubt to receive more thanks for problems solved...
"Ah... I've just had a complaint about some of the service the users have been receiving!" The Boss mutters sternly, looking in the PFY's direction.
The PFY, as expected, looks away with an expression of innocence...
"I must apologise for my assistant's youth," I interrupt. "He's young and impulsive and sometimes doesn't give the client the benefit of the doubt, but I'm sure that with a little..."
"Enough!" The Boss snaps. "Changing a user's password to a disgusting word repeated three times isn't what I'd call impulsive - it's a calculated act!"
"?" the PFY responds, before I can step in for his defence. "Probably some form of misunderstanding on my assistants part," I add. "He may have thought that the user had REQUESTED that password - some of them have a history of using fairly colourful language when a problem occurs. It may be that he thought that they were supplying that word as a password - it has happened."
"Oh yes? And what about telling a user that Microsoft Office installs faster if you hammer all the developer CDs into the drive at once?"
"I... I..," I murmur, looking at the PFY in horror.
Which, as it happens, is the same way he's looking at me. Of course he's thinking of my new credibility as opposed to his (should he claim it was me) and the 500 quid down the gurgler PLUS eight or so hours of people whining about how the systems used to run faster back when, and how they like one letter passwords... Not to mention his chances come Contract Renegotiation time...
"Leave it with me," I murmur to The Boss. "I'll have a little word with him..."
. . .
"You bastard!" the PFY shouts when we get back to Mission Control. "This Mahariji stuff's a load of crap! Well laugh again. The deal was 500 quid to the Mahariji, so the cheques going there."
"Excellent!" I cry. "Would you like me to send you one of our pamphlets as well - I've just finished one on the Divine Shiny Aura."
"You're the Mahariji?"
"You betcha! I bought up the office of this New Age fruit- eating commune after they had a bad batch of apples or something and closed down - and now have an iron-clad tax haven. For a couple of years anyway! Absolutely brilliant. So all I have to do is print a couple of pamphlets a year, advertise dull meditation courses in some well-known magazines, publish a massive yearly loss and I'm in the clear! Unless of course the Beatles reform.."
"So who should I make the cheque out to?" the PFY asks, sighing heavily.
"The Divine Aura of Tfosorcim Society."
"Tfosorcim? Microsoft spelt backwards?"
"Like it? - you know, like Inverse Evil."
"I hate you!"
"Now, now, that's not helping your Aura!!!"