I'm doing some important network response testing with the PFY when the phone rings. It's the PFY's line and it's never rung before, so he celebrates by unplugging it from the wall. While his attention is otherwise engaged, I shoot him a couple of times in the back.
Networked DOOM II is an excellent breeding ground for the Machiavelli in us all.
"That was the boss," I mention, easing the tension in the room somewhat.
"Contract Renegotiation Time," he says and trundles off to the boss's office. Five minutes later he's back with a not-too-happy expression on his face.
"He doesn't believe that I've the experience to warrant an increase in my hourly rate." This, I don't like - if it can happen to him it can happen to me, and I have an irrational fear of anything that looks like the thin end of a wedge.
I'm on the phone to personnel in a flash. "What do we have to do to prove that my assistant deserves a raise?"
"Typically there's a meeting with the head of personnel, an independent expert and the candidate himself. The idea is that the candidate's networking knowledge is put to some form of test."
I arrange the test for the next day and instruct the PFY to do his homework...
The next day dawns and at 10am everyone shows up for the main event. Except for the independent expert, that is. However, he's unlikely to be heard of for another couple of hours... providing the lift maintenance contractor is as slow as usual.
I offer my services as an independent expert.
"OK, a couple of questions," I say. "Shoot," the PFY responds.
"What criteria do you use when determining whether to remove a user's files?"
"How much sleep I had the night before?"
"Fair enough. When pushing a user's machine off a desk, what should you ensure?"
"That their keyboard is below."
"Half marks. Keyboard and a valued personal possession."
"When should overtime be scheduled?"
"When circumstances make an operation hazardous during normal hours."
"When I'm in a bad mood because I've run out of money that month."
"Correct. A colleague asks for your advice purchasing a machine for their private business. What do you recommend, Macintosh or PC?"
"Neither. I'd recommend the Commodore 64 with twin tape drives that I use as a doorstop - priced at 600 quid."
"And when it failed?"
"It's rigged up to catch fire when it's plugged in. I'd claim he plugged it in wrong."
"Excellent. Phones are running hot with complaints that sessions on the 4th floor NT server are being lost randomly. What is the problem most likely to be?"
"The problem, as I see it, is that the phone is on the hook."
Half an hour later ...
"Well I'm convinced - he has learnt a great deal."
"And I am unconvinced!" the head of personnel cries. "This trainee was brought in to address the problems of poor service and lack of accountability that were prevalent in your reign of terror. Instead of doing that you've twisted him into a nastier version of yourself!"
"Yes, good isn't he?" I comment.
"NO! And if you think, even for a moment, that I'm going to OK this .. this TRAVESTY of skills evaluation, you are sorely mistaken. He STAYS on our trainee contracting pay-scale."
It's true, there is a tool for every job. Yet it still amazes me how many 'jobs' benefit from a little tweak with the 'blackmail' tool.
"Fair enough," I say. "You're probably right. After all, he is a beginner at this sort of thing and as a trainee I suppose you could pay him less as a result of the mistakes he's bound to make. You know the sort of mistakes I mean - like e-mailing personnel's international phone logs to the CEO instead of the head of personnel. How is your daughter Sir - still working in the Cayman Islands?"
"Ah. Well, on second thoughts I can see how his skillset might be more.."
"Mistakes like accidentally misconfiguring the network back-up server to restore pictures from the directory named SMUT on a personnel machine to.. say... the directory containing the slides the CEO will be using for his next talk to the board of directors."
In the international unit of operator success, Backpedals Per Second, the head of personnel is dangerously near redlining. Half an hour and a sizeable trainee-raise later, the PFY and I are sitting back in the office.
"What should I do with these phone logs?"
"Send 'em on."
"Head of personnel?"
"HELL NO! The CEO's office - you're a trainee - mistakes happen."
Needless to say, I believe my renegotiation will slip through without a hitch.